Yesterday I was talking with the Young Men´s president during lunch. We were talking about life after the misson, he was giving advice and stuff. We ended up getting on the topic of I was a visa waiter. I have been here for 2 months and people still are suprised that I am more than halfway done with the mission. As we were talking I made another realization.
When we moved from Florida to Arizona I remember getting very emotional and swearing that I wouldn´t make any new friends because I knew I would just be moving again in 2 years. That stance lasted the summer and shortly after school started I met Merrilee and we have been best friend´s since.
I realized that something similar happened here. I gave my heart and soul in PA and it ripped to shreds that day that I got my visa. I acted excited but truly I was heartbroken to leave. I never conciously made a decision to not devote all that I have to this mission. But I realized that subconciously I have been doing that in a pathetic effort to protect myself from more heartbreak. Because this time, when I leave it is more than likely that I will never go back. PA is much easier to return to, Manaus is a place that when I leave I will have to wait for the second coming to see these people again. It was hard enough to leave the first time knowing that i would come back. Allowing myself to fall in love like that again with the knowledge that I will never see them again is something that i am terrified of.
I have made a decision to study hearts and changing hearts for the next little while so that I can learn to open my heart to this place and accept that yes I will love these people and yes I most likely will never see them again in this life. yes it will be hard to leave, harder than PA because in PA I have the promise of going back easily.
It is not that I don´t love the people, i do, I think they are great. But I realized that I put up barriers to protect from more pain.
Love you all and thank you for all of your support!